Danger: Overlamping
Sept. 29, 2003
Seen in an entry on Home Depot's web site for a recessed ceiling light housing:
The built in integral thermal protector provides positive protection against overlamping.
Translation: It's insulated so it won't catch your house on fire. Thus, "overlamping" means
fire. Or perhaps
conflagration or even
inferno.
Slideshow of the World
Sept. 28, 2003
You're probably heard of "moblogs," which are picture blogs created when people take snaps with their (usually) cell phone cameras, then email the pic to a web site that
automatically adds the picture to a web page. These telephonic visual diarists can include captions, too. A couple of the big moblogging sites are
Fotopages and
textamerica. My friend Craig has a
moblog on textamerica that's lots of fun.
All fine and good. What I've found most interesting so far is that on textamerica's home page they show the three most recent photos that have been uploaded to the site. Since there's lots of moblogging going on, these pics change every few seconds, producing a slideshow of semi-random, anonymous views from across America and around the world in near real time. I'm addicted. As I write this I'm looking shots of: a collection of Battletech books, a chili dog with fries, one hell of a sunset. In just a bit these pics will move on and who knows what I'll get. Tune in on Friday and Saturday night and you'll see lots of dim photos of young folks out on the town. Weekdays brings commuters in cars, office cubicles. Weekends are great fun because you get to tag along on a thousand simultaneous outtings--picnics, malls, beaches, forests, they parade across the page. I'd love to slice out the code of just those three pictures on the textamerica page so I could have it running in a corner of my desktop all the time. Except I'd never get anything done. Cable may have 500 channels, but I only need those three.
Worldcon, Heights, Fingers
Sept. 10, 2003
I visited Toronto for the
61st World Science Fiction Convention this past Labor Day weekend. I had the brainpower to bring my camera, but lacked the brainpower to bring the battery. So I had to buy a disposable one. At development time, I asked for digital pictures.
View my photos. Includes some fun shots taken from 360, the revolving restaurant at the top of the CN tower.
No No Shame (Shame)
No Shame Theater Los Angeles has gone on hiatus for the summer. I'm a little worried for its recovery, but its recovery would become a lot more likely if I'd get off my ass and did something about it.
Cough, cough
May 16, 2003
This was written all too hastily. Performed by Chris Clarke and Jennifer Hughes.
Get Well Soon
by Brooks Peck
Light Board: Full Wash UP please.
Her: If my feelings for you were the plague, everyone
in the world would be dead now.
Him: My love for you is heart cancer, and it's
metastasized throughout my entire body.
Her: I may have Ebola, but that's not just blood
streaming out of all my pores. It's love.
Him: Because of my smallpox, all my skin is going
to slough off. But I know you'll never leave me.
Her: S is for Severe--I am severely stuck on you.
Him: A is for Acute--As in, you are a cutie!
Her: R is for Respiratory--When I see you, I go
into respiratory failure.
Him: S is for Syndrome--With an emphasis on sin.
LBO: BLACKOUT
In Response to your Genitalia
April 18, 2003
To understand what this piece is all about, you need to know there was a marvellous piece called "2 Girls with Vaginas" by "Rileigh Elizabeth Pot, Age 2." It was preformed in Best Of in April, so you can tune it in when they get that online. That piece involved a lot of cute running around girl-ness, and some inspired rapping (do you say rapping or just rap? I'm so white.) This piece isn't meant to mock or insult the original, just put a male spin on the idea.
Jonathan Price played piano. Aaron kept a folded up Band-Aid in his mouth that he spat out after biting my ear, eliciting shrieks of horror from the audience, which satisfies.
2 Guys With Cocks
By Brooks Peck, age 36
Light Board: Start with WORK LIGHTS. Two men will go
onto stage and face the audience. When they are settled,
full wash LIGHTS UP.
Brooks and Aaron stand on stage, about two feet apart,
facing the audience. They stare out looking tough, mean,
confident.
"2 Girls With Vaginas" music starts.
Brooks and Aaron speak along with the music, but not
singing, more monotone:
We are two guys
With cocks
We are two guys
With cocks
We are two guys
And so are you....
Don't do what we do
In super slow motion over the next four measures:
- Brooks slugs Aaron in the stomach, doubling him over in
agony.
- Aaron returns with a vicious uppercut to Brooks's jaw.
- Brooks claws Aaron's face as
- Aaron closes in and bites Brooks's ear.
They separate.
Aaron staggers downstage left then suddenly straightens.
He sings joyfully:
I think that I should never see
A po'em as--
Brooks:
Shut the fuck up!
Simultaneously: MUSIC STOPS and BLACKOUT.
An actual scene, or an attempt anyway
This piece ran at five minutes, although No Shame has a theoretical three-minute limit. The actors did a great job (Donna Janosik as Beth, Mike Rothschild as Wesley, Brian Rochlin as Henry, and Waxslipper as himself) but with little rehersal time, and the fact that they had to struggle with lots of props, motion, and their scripts, it didn't go off as smoothly as I'd have liked. A learning experience.
Her Father Likes Me...A Lot
by Brooks Peck
April 11, 2003
Light Board: begin with full wash UP.
A teenage couple holding hands enters stage right, pause in front of an imaginary front door.
Beth
I had a great time tonight.
Wesley
Me too.
Beth
The batting cages were fun.
Wesley
So was the, doll house museum.
Beth's dad, Henry, opens the door. The couple immediately lets go of each other's hands.
Henry
Well here's the happy couple. Have a good time?
Beth
Yeah! Listen, Daddy--
Wesley (
to Beth)
No, don't.
Beth
No it's okay. Daddy, Wesley's car broke down a couple of blocks from here. Could you give him a ride home?
Henry
Oh, sure. Sure! Come on, son.
Henry walks to the car (two chairs stage center facing the audience). Wesley pauses, Beth leans in, Wesley bails and goes to the car.
They begin driving. Awkward silence.
Henry
I'll bet this is a little uncomfortable for you.
Wesley
Oh, no--
Henry
Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a hard time. Now, Ellen, my wife, her dad gave me a hard time. Man oh man. He gave me such a hard time I had to turn around every once and a while and see
if his cock was up my ass.
(laughs uproariously) Those were the days. Hey reach under my seat.
Wesley
Sir?
Henry
Don't you 'sir' me, sir, this isn't the army. Reach under my seat for me there. Go on.
Wesley reaches under Henry's chair, gropes, trying to keep his head away from Henry's lap.
Henry
You should find a cylindrical beverage container down there. My secret stash of engine lubricant if you know what I mean.
Wesley comes up with a can of beer.
Henry.
That's the stuff. Open it, would you?
Wesley pops open the beer.
Henry
Has it got any foam? Suck the foam off.
(Wesley is frozen) Go on, suck the foam off, I hate that.
(Wesley takes a careful swig of beer).
Henry
There you go. Give it here.
(He tilts his head back for a long drink, sighs, then suddenly jerks the steering wheel to correct his course) Whoops! Danger. Danger! There you go.
He looks at Wesley hard. Holds it.
Henry
You like Blair?
Wesley
Who?
Henry
Beth. You like Beth?
Wesley
Um. Yes, sir. But not too much--I mean, not in the wrong way, I mean, not that I'm, you know, in the wrong way, I just mean I'm not, you know....
Henry
Uh, huh. This is your nieghborhood, right? Where's your house?
Wesley
(obviously lying)
This one here!
Henry
Okay!
He pulls the car over savagely. They both get out.
Wesley
Well, thanks--
Henry marches stage left toward the house.
Wesley
Where are you going?
Henry
Meet your folks.
Wesley
Oh, I don't think--
Henry pounds on the door. Wesley hurries to catch up to him.
Wesley
I really don't think--
Waxslipper opens the door, groggy.
Waxslipper
Who is it? What do you want?
Henry
Hello Mr. Anderson, I'm Beth's father Henry Dremel.
Waxslipper
Who?
Henry
I'm just dropping off Wesley here.
Waxslipper
(peering out at Wesley)
Is that Wesley Anderson?
Wesley
Hello Principle Waxslipper.
Waxslipper
What is this, a prank? You have no right to knock on my door at this hour, young man.
Wesley
It's a mistake.
Henry
What? Excuse me? You won't let your own son into the house?
Waxslipper
He's not my son.
Henry
You deny your own son? You would turn him out on the street in the middle of the night? Shame on you, sir! Wesley here is a good boy.
Waxslipper
I believe you have the wrong--
Henry
Smell his fingers!
Waxslipper
(thrown)
What?
Henry
(grabs Wesley's hand)
Smell his fingers! He took my Blair out on a date, and the moment they came home I was a-sniffing but there is not one whiff of quim on him. He's a good boy. What kind of father are you? Not like
my father, that's for certain. My father knew how to love his son. To the day he died. The day he died. | And he died right there...I was holding him when it happened. He'd got both arms torn off
in the chipper shredder and I wanted to go get help, but he said, "No, son, it's too far and there's no time. I want to spend my last minutes with you, the boy I love so dearly." And in a moment,
all the life blood had pumped out of him and he was gone. My poor daddy.
Everyone is frozen. Henry's staring at the ground, lost. After a long pause, he shakes it off.
Henry
Well, I better get on home or Ellen will think I've got a girlfriend.
He winks, grabs Waxslipper's hand and pumps it hard.
Henry
Good to meet you, Mr. Anderson. Wesley, drop by anytime, anytime at all.
As he heads back to the car we BLACKOUT.
Based on a true story
The character and events here are made up, but the dream is 100% true. Aaron Cain performed this monologue, and damn well.
Dark Cloud 2 Gives Me Fucked-Up Dreams
by Brooks Peck
March 14, 2003
[Light Board Operator: The only light cue is a blackout at the very end.]
Last week, when I was sick with this flu which wasn't mono even though my sister keeps saying it was, anyway I was playing a lot of Dark Cloud 2 and it gave me this really fucked-up dream.
I wanted to play Max Payne which I had borrowed it from Rick 'cause he was done with it, but my mom took it away because it has "terrorist themes." Like she'd know. So that sucked. But she went out to the gym and when she came back she gave me Dark Cloud 2. I'm like, Dark Cloud 2? It's a role-playing game. She said, "But you loved Dark Cloud," and I'm like, that was when I was
thirteen. I'm fifteen now.
But I played it, because the only other thing I have is Kirby's Pinball, which I beat. Actually it's a pretty dope game. I mean, it's really complex, there's this whole world and you can go into dungeons and fight monsters--in real time, too, not turn-based combat like in a lot of Japanese RPGs. Or there's this invention system where you get ideas and take pictures and invent stuff out of them--oh, and there's city building, you have to collect resources to make houses and temples and stuff. There's even fishing and when you catch the fish you put them in an aquarium--that you invented--and raise them and make them fight.
The main guy is this guy Max, but you also play a girl named Monica with pink hair. Max fights with a wrench and a gun. Monica has a sword and this arm band that shoots spells.
So I played like, most of the day, except when I took a nap, and after dinner, even though my sister wanted to watch American Idol but I made her watch me play instead.
Then that night I had the dream. I'm down in these sewers--it's just like the first dungeon level of Dark Cloud 2. And I'm in a race against this little blond kid. It's Max, I realize. So when the race starts I decide I'm going to do the backstroke through the water, which is waist-deep. And that works pretty well because the tunnel is pretty narrow and Max can't get by me doing the backstroke, so he ends up sort of pushing against my arms trying to get by.
Then there's all these new people in the race including--this is so weird--that Sarah girl from the end of Joe Millionaire? They're all really mean, so now it's like me and Max against all of them. We're running through the dungeon, running a lot, really fast. The people throwing the race have made it like a haunted house and they're doing all this stuff to try and scare us as we run. There's all these dark hallways, and flashing lights, and people trying to jump out and scare you. But me and Max aren't scared, we're just running, we're totally winning, it's great.
Then we come to this corner, Max is ahead of me, and there's fake vomit on the floor. We know it's fake, but Max, he slips in the vomit, slides
hard into the wall and breaks his neck. And then Max changes into a tiny skeleton this big. His head, which is a normal head but really small, has broken off the skeleton, but he's
still alive. He's like, blinking and gasping. I know I've got to get his head back onto the little skeleton for him to have any chance of surviving. But the little skeleton, since it slid through the fake vomit, is all full of vomit, and I've got to pick it up and
pour out the vomit before I can put the head back on.
Right then some of the race people came running up, and I said, Somebody call an ambulance!
[LBO: BLACKOUT]
Nasty
Performed late February, 2003
This sketch is so raunchy and downright X-rated that I think it would violate the terms of service to post it here on pitas.com. But I'm making it available in text format
here.
WARNING! Don't read it if you are offended by sexual situations, graphic language, and the like. This is in no way a boast: it's probably worse than you think.
Enjoy!
Ask the Bible
Originally performed sometime in late January or early February 2003. As always, the success of the piece comes from the terrific actors we have, in this case Eric Johnson (Man) and Aaron Cain (Guy).
Ask the Bible by Brooks Peck
[Light Board: Start with lights up. One blackout at the end.]
A MAN walks onto stage holding a Bible.
Man: The Holy Bible. It's the sacred text of some of the world's major religions, and also the foundation of the ethical and legal systems of modern Western society. But tonight we're going to examine the Bible and ask some hard questions.
The Man props the Bible up on a chair.
Man:
(screaming) Bible! If God is everywhere and can see everything, why did he ask Cain where Abel was? ... How can you claim that Noah lived nine hundred and fifty years when the average life expectancy for a man in ancient times was forty years? ... Why did Noah name one of his sons Ham when he was a Jew, huh? Huh?!?
Man pauses, paces.
Man: A lot of people say you've got all the answers, and now suddenly you're not talking. Think you're so smart? Then tell me this, who's your silent partner? You know who I mean, this Gideon fellow. His name's all over you, but nobody's every seen him, why's that?
He gets in the Bible's face, screaming again.
Man: You think you can hold out on me? You're the most widely published book in the world--you think anybody's going to notice if
one copy goes missing??
GUY enters hastily, interposes himself between Man and Bible.
Guy: Whoa, whoa, take it easy, take it easy.
Man collects himself, barely.
Guy: Why don't you take a break, okay? Take a break. Let me see what I can do.
Man: Fine. Hope you get some 'Good News.'
Man storms offstage.
Guy: I'm sorry about my partner. He's under a lot of stress. I'd like to say I'll always be able to control him, but.... Listen. We just need answers to a few questions and this will all be cleared up. Like, if Jesus was the messiah, who came down from heaven to found God's kingdom on Earth, why is there still suffering and death?
He waits.
Guy: Okay, what if I go to heaven, and someone I really love goes to Hell. But it wouldn't be heaven for me without them. Do I get like a clone of them?
He waits again.
Guy:
(sighs) At least tell me what chocolate and rabbits have to do with Christ's rebirth.
Man steps onto stage.
Man:
(to Guy) Phone call for you. Your wife.
Guy: Oh! Thanks.
Guy rushes out. Man makes sure he's gone.
Man: He doesn't have a phone call. But I have some news for you. We've got the Book of the Mormon in the other room and he's singing like a canary. So you might as well come clean.
He knocks over a chair.
Man: Things will go a lot harder for you if you don't. ... Come on you pile of pulp, you sanctimonious piece of shit. Tell me what I need to know!
He kneels close to the chair. Total change.
Man: You've got to give me something here. Any little thing. ... I'm so alone, and I'm so afraid sometimes. All this bad stuff in the world, it scares me, and I just want to know what it's all for. Please.
He bows his head.
Man: Please.
BLACKOUT
A Quickie
Armless
December 13, 2002
Light Board Operator: Please
blackout the stage for setup.
Two men go onto stage facing each other. One has both arms inside his shirt—he's "armless." The second has the arm on the audience-side inside his shirt, but the arm away from the audience is out. This fact is hidden from the audience.
LBO: Once the two men are settled and still,
lights up.
Narrator (off stage): In the country of the armless, the one-armed man is king!
One-armed man socks armless man in the face. Hard.
LBO: Blackout.
Beaten About the Face and Neck
Silence and Darkness
by Brooks Peck
Nov. 22, 2002
LIGHT BOARD OPERATOR: You play a key role in this piece. I need you to listen for your cue, “absolute silence.” See below.
LBO: Once the stage is clear of the previous piece, please
Blackout.
A man walks out on stage (in the dark).
Man: I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon here. It happens right before or after a piece, there will be this brief instant when you’ve got fifty people, all
crammed into a small space, sitting together, in the dark, not saying a word. When you think about it, it’s a very human, spiritual thing. The fact that we’re willing to
share this brief, special moment, gathered together, in the dark, in ABSOLUTE SILENCE.
LIGHT BOARD OPERATOR—that’s your cue. Wait a slow five count, then
Lights up
The man is rummaging through a woman’s purse.
Woman (in front row): Hey!
The woman jumps up and grabs her purse. They engage in a brief tug of war; she wins. She hits him and returns to her seat in a huff.
Blackout
The End
Notes: Many thanks to Jocelyn Hughes, who played "Woman." She didn't just hit me once, she laid into me with a vengence, then grabbed the purse and whacked me with it. The leather strap slapped me on the back of the neck with a WHAP audible throughout the theater, and raised a nice welt. God I love live performances.
Dressed for the Invasion
November 3, 2002
Another
No Shame Theater piece. Performed by me on Friday, Nov. 1.
A Halloween Announcement from the Office of Homeland Security
by Brooks Peck
(Just leave the lights up and let everyone stare at my ass while I walk
on stage.)
Halloween is a fun and exciting time for kids, but we musn't forget on this
holiday to remain vigilant with regard to our nation's security concerns.
For this reason, the United States Office of Homeland Security has released
a list of Disallowed Halloween Costumes.
First of all, obviously, no "terrorist" costumes. Parents of any children
dressed as terrorists will be arrested. Children dressed as terrorists will
also be arrested and tried as adults. Likewise no sheiks, no Aladdins, no
wise men, no rabbis.
In light of the very real threat of bioterror attacks on American soil, no
"Mad Scientist" costumes, also no doctors, no nurses. Now, many lads would
like to dress up as our police and firefighter heroes. But let's remember
that our nation's enemies might stage an attack on Halloween night, taking
advantage of the ensuing confusion in which people would be unable to tell
the real police and firefighters from the pretend ones. So no police or
firefighters.
Snow White and Cinderella are cherished characters from folklore, but unfortunately
many little girls confuse them with princesses. This implies approval of
the monarchy, and the United States, being a democratic nation, has no truck
with monarchy, except for certain allies. Also no ballerinas.
If you're looking for costume ideas, the Office of Homeland Security suggests
the following costumes that are both fun and safe: attorney, businessman,
teacher (if you're into that sort of thing), dog--but no cats. Cat costumes
are a trademark of Andrew Lloyd Weber. Also cable TV technician, insect,
and salesman.
Of course there will be no door-to-door trick or treating this year. Instead,
you may take your children to your local shopping mall, but only trick or
treat at the approved national store chains: McDonalds, The Gap, Gap Kids,
and Old Navy. Or you can throw a Halloween party at home. It's a great way
to gather with your neighbors, friends and family and probe their moral and
patriotic values. But don't forget that the mandatory 7 p.m. curfew will
be in effect Halloween night, as every night.
This is the Office of Homeland Security reminding you that good Americans
want safety, not [
fingerquotes] "Civil Liberties."
BLACKOUT
I Have No Shame
October 28, 2002
No Shame Theater has started in Los Angeles, and I'm all too happy to be writing silly sketches and performing again. Here's the piece I wrote for opening night. I played the part of D-Rail.
BUM FIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT
By Brooks Peck
Lights up
Two sports anchors sit side by side. Hopefully with a
table.
COLOR MAN
(aside to ANCHOR, not
realizing they’re on the
air)
Turns out he was banging his twin--
ANCHOR
Good evening and welcome to Fox Sports
Net’s coverage of the 2002 Bum Fight
Championship Bout. I’m Aaron Cain and
with me is Eric C. Johnson. Eric, I
think we’re in for quite a fight
tonight.
COLOR MAN
No doubt about it my friend, this
year’s contenders are both experienced
bums who have punched, scratched, and
bitten their way past all the
competition, and tonight they face off
to see who’s the toughest bum in the
world.
ANCHOR
The first contender we’re going to
look at is D-Rail Slim, age somewhere
between 40 and 50, hails from “out
East.” D-Rail exploded onto the Bum
Fight world after stabbing Socks
McDougal through the knee with a
screwdriver to take the championship
two years ago.
COLOR MAN
He’s a great bum fighter, there’s no
doubt, but after that victory he ran
into some hard times that almost took
him out of the circuit for good. It
began when he lost most of his toes to
frostbite after being trapped in a box
car on a mountain pass in Colorado.
During treatment, D-Rail’s drinking
declined, until finally he fell onto
the wagon and vanished. Six months
later his agent found him engaged to a
legal secretary and managing the shoe
department at a JC Penny.
(horrified)
He was even going to church.
Anchor shakes his head.
COLOR MAN
D-Rail’s agent immediately placed him
on a strict diet of Night Train,
Thunderbird, and Old English 800. D-
Rail’s new workout regimen included
sleeping in culverts, panhandling, and
of course rolling weaker bums. And I
tell you, all that hard work has paid
off. D-Rail’s delerium tremens are
stronger than ever, and he hasn’t
bathed or eaten solid food in over two
months.
ANCHOR
This morning I had a chance to talk to
D-Rail before he passed out, and this
is what he had to say.
Anchor joins D-Rail across stage, standing.
ANCHOR
D-Rail, are you prepared to show the
world you’ve still got what it takes?
D-RAIL
(incoherent gibberish)
ANCHOR
How do you respond to Sports
Illustrated’s accusation that you’ve
stopped giving back alley blowjobs for
a dollar apiece?
D-RAIL
(Curses, more gibberish)
D-Rail takes out a coat hanger and threatens the anchor
with it. He falls to all fours and mimes puking. Anchor
retakes his seat.
COLOR MAN
What an athlete.
ANCHOR
Tonight D-Rail faces Tennesee No-Nuts,
a hard drinking, hard fighting bum
from Ontario.
COLOR MAN
No-Nuts was incapable of giving
interviews today, but he did issue
this statement: (reading from new
sheet) “Fuckin, what? Mother fucking
god damn. What the hell is--? You.
You. You. You. You. You. You.
Son of-- What is it?”
ANCHOR
Strong words from a strong man. Well
it looks like the competition is about
to begin. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s
Bum Fighting Time!
BLACKOUT
